iloveyou.

It's so ridiculous. I don't know what it means. I don't know why I am typing it. I just know it. I love you. My stomach drops when I see you. My heart jumps when I hear your voice. Even your name somehow has an effect on me that is beyond my control. I don't understand. How do you do this to me? I sit up waiting for you. I find comfort in knowing where you are. I think about you before I go to sleep. I think about you when I am alone. And I think I love you. I feel guilty that I think this way. My stomach drops and it stays down painfully at the sight of you. My heart jumps and beats nervously and uncomfortably when I hear you. I want to control it but you control me. What have you done? What have I done? Is it love? The pain? The guilt? The nighttime thoughts? The longing? The hopes? The wishes? Being alone? Can you love and be alone? Is it love when you hardly know I exist... I imagine that you do, that you think of me as much as I think of you. But that's just ideal. That's love; the ideal. But I don't care. I don't give a fuck. I will keeping thinking and dreaming and hoping and hurting. Even if I am alone. I love you.

carpe diem.

Why is it alright for people to judge us when what we do has no effect on their lives? Is making a mistake necessarily a terrible thing to do? Even knowingly, making a decision that is bad kind of makes life what it is. If we always act properly and do what is expected of us, how can we learn? How can we truly say we are living life? Why are you waiting and what are you waiting for, please tell me... You will be old one day and perhaps even a few years may change you. You won't be desirable as you are today. Why not have sex with whoever you want no matter how wrong, no matter what they will think ,no matter what you will think at the end of the night. Give yourself the satisfaction you deserve tonight because tomorrow may never come. Who the fuck cares what "they" say or what names they will call you behind your back. They just need to get laid, seriously. Live life fast. Don't let anyone stop you. If you're not hurting yourself or others, I will not tell you you're wrong. We don't have to be perfect and life doesn't have to be perfect, it just has to be lived. Carpe diem.

i never needed you, i just liked having you there.

It's dark and silent and everyone is asleep warm in their bed. I find comfort in knowing that the people I love are warm and safe in their sleep where nothing can hurt them. I sleep better when it's extremely late/early (5:00 A.M. preferably). But why? Why aren't I safe and warm in my bed at this moment? Too much on my mind? Perhaps. Thinking of having one last cigarette... I smoked two today. A third wouldn't be a big deal. The past two weeks or so I have smoked no more than one or two each day. Cutting down from four a day is a nice accomplishment. Any smoker would say I hardly smoke and it is no big deal. But a non-smoker would be appalled at the fact that I smoke everyday even if its light. They may be right, it may shed a year off my life but what's another year when you're old and miserable, I'd rather not be old for too long. But why do I do it? Obviously I don't need it. I could go a few days and not smoke. I could. But I don't. I like it too much. I like the comfort of the smoke around me and the cigarette in my hand. The time it wastes. The way I can sit there and let millions of thoughts run through my mind as I breathe and watch my breathe circle around me. It's so interesting how smoke moves, I don't understand it, but I appreciate it. I love being outside on a nice day and having the cigarette as an excuse to stand outside and enjoy the weather and take a break from school, from work, from life. It's just a cigarette and I don't need it, but I really like having it there.